Bob

My mum’s got a great anecdote about how the doctor came around about my cough when I was a newborn, and he came into a room full of local mums all fawning over me in my cot and chugging away.

Skoda

They’re Czech. The name even has a little thing on the S, officially.

If we ditched the daft names?

“Dad’s awfully noisy in the toilet these days!” “It’s his new bidet! He says it cleans his arse to the bone!” “To the bone, you say?”

To the bone, you say!

To the bone, you say?

I have a very sensitive nose too, described as that of a dog by my sister, and it’s not that people not using shampoo smell worse, it’s that they smell of sebum and pheromones and all that stuff, which I don’t mind. I smell more like an animal, and I love animals.

A few years ago I had to stay inside a lot, so I tried showering without soap on my body too, and it does seem to work better for longer than using soap, but it’s less convenient and sort of less reliable I find, so I use soap again on the three key areas. My hair though, I just use water to wash. My girlfriend tried to argue with me once that I needed shampoo and she just looked it up briefly and said “I was wrong!”

You’ve saved me a good chunk of typing, thank you.

Oi, I said you don’t need shampoo or conditioner, not that you don’t need to wash your hair.

You don’t need shampoo or conditioner except sometimes medicinally!

I don’t know whether you’re a vegan yourself, but basically all the vegans I know agree with that.

I think you can find a middle ground between “I assume they’d come and politely discuss it” and “I think constantly whether my every single minor action can offend someone”.

You still occasionally see people talk about their weight in stone, but many just use kilos now, anecdotally.

In my experience, if you’re looking to lose a bit of flab for the summer, you’d say you want to lose six pound to half a stone (which is 7lb) or whatever, but if you go the gym regularly and keep an extremely keen eye on your weight, or if you like to think you do, you use kilos. As a rule, you’d use imperial for eyeballing or for measuring things with a bit of play, but you’d use metric if you need precision.